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Motorcycle Jokes
Know Any Good Biker Jokes? Send 'em
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An ugly biker walks into his local pub with a big grin on his
face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know, I live by the
railway. Well, on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to
the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took
her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time!
We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top,
sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the barman. "You lucky guy. Was she pretty?"
"Dunno...Never found the head."
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The New Harley (Old Joke)
This guy has always dreamed of
owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he
goes down to the dealer and he picks out the perfect bike. While getting all the
paperwork together, the dealer tells him about an old biker-trick that will keep
the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The trick is to keep a jar of
Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be
fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.
A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She
wants him to meet her parents so she asks him to come to dinner. He readily
accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his
Harley and they ride to her parents' house. Before they go in, she tells him
that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do
the dishes.
After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first
person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes,
the young man decides to speed things up. He reaches over and kisses his woman
in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he throws her on the
table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is
getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table.
They have even wilder sex. No one says a word. He is wondering what to do
next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the
chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of
Vaseline.
The father says "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"
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A Biker went into his corner
coffee shop for his morning cuppa.
He liked the coffee, and the food was good & cheap. One thing though, the
waitress was a surly
type who didn't like Bikers much.
This morning, business was slow, and the waitress
(looking particularly grumpy) was keeping
busy brooming the floor.
He walked up to her and said,
"Look on the bright
side luv, when you finish work you'll
be able to ride it home".
From:
Jack InjuredBiker.com
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A Biker we know was strolling in a big city park,
which was patrolled by police officers mounted on horseback
He
spotted a cop, walked over and said " Good morning officer.
That's a fine
looking animal you've got there, but I think you should get the Vet to check
him out"
The
dude replied " Well, I was standing' over there & I heard some guy say ' Check
out the stupid looking' prick on that horse'
From:
Jack InjuredBiker.com
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A Biker we know, Big Jake,
was heading home from Sturgis when he decided to stop at a little road side
pub.
He parked his scoot, went inside, & sat down at
the bar and ordered a beer.
The place was nearly empty. In fact, there was
only one other patron.
An old grey bearded type seated at the other end of the
bar.
The guy seemed harmless enough, but one thing was
making' Jake uneasy.
The guy just wouldn't stop starin' at him!
Our hero hoisted up his 250 pound self, walked
over, and politely asked the old scooter tramp to knock off the eye-ballin'.
The old boy replied: " Son, I'm sorry and I
meant
no offence. But my brother raises buffalo on his ranch a few miles from here and the other night there was a terrible
thunderstorm and the whole damn herd got spooked & ran off, including his
prize pregnant cow. I was wondering' if you might be the missing calf."
From: Jack InjuredBiker.com |
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The correct hand signal for letting other riders
know that they pissed you off, is to...
Extend your left arm straight out with your elbow
bent 90 degrees.
Carefully extend your middle finger to clearly demonstrate your
dissatisfaction with the other guy.
NOTE: It is not recommended you do this
when you are alone.
From: Pat 1%er Devils Henchmen MC
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A biker stops by the Harley
Shop to have his bike fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said
he didn't live far and he would just walk home.
On the
way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and an anvil.
He
stopped by the feed store/livestock dealer and picked up a couple of chickens
and a goose.
However, he now had a problem: how to carry all of his
purchases home.
The
owner said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in
one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other
hand?" "Hey, thanks!" the biker said, and out the door he went.
But in the parking lot he was
approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can
you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?" The biker replied, "Well,
as a matter of fact, I live at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take my short cut
and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked
him over cautiously, then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to
defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you
won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and ravish me?"
The
biker said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two
chickens, and a goose.
How in the world could I possibly hold you up against
the wall and do that?"
The
lady said, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil on
top of the bucket and I'll hold the chickens."
From:
Pat 1%er Devils Henchmen MC |
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Harley-Davidson Owner's Group
(HOG) Qualification Test
1. The primary purpose of HOG is to promote: A)
Fellowship among Harley-Davidson owners B) Chrome-plating C) Motorcycle Gangs D)
Inbreeding
2. You see another HOG member riding the opposite
direction on the highway you are on. You either: A). Hold your arm off to the
left and gesture with a proud salute B). act too cool to notice and keep going
C). Turn around, chase him down and beat him up for his chrome accessories D).
Run after him frantically waving for help, since you've been stranded on the
hard shoulder for over 5 hours
3. When performing your pre-ride check, you
notice a few drops of engine oil on the floor underneath your motorcycle. You
should: A). Immediately clean it up with a towel or other B). Breath a
sigh of relief that the engine still contains oil and optimistically press the
starter switch C). Dab your fingers on the stain and then on your face,
achieving that cool "greasy mechanic" look D). Pull the Harley forward so the
rear tyre sits on the oil stain and attempt a burnout
4. The most important piece of gear to a Harley
rider is: A). Half-helmet B). Goggles C). Leather Pants D). Wallet Chain E)
Break-Down Kit
5. You see a row of Harley-Davidsons lined up at
a roadside drinking establishment. You choose to: A). Stop and make some new
friends B). Park for a moment, hammer down some shots of whiskey, and wobble
home C). Attempt a wheelie D) Beat the crap out of some sucker for
insulting HOG
6. A valve stem has broken off and effectively
seized up the engine. After removing the head and thoroughly inspecting the
situation, you: A). Head to an authorized H-D dealer and order genuine Harley
replacement parts B).
Decide to chrome plate the valve stems and springs C).
Conclude that more end play in the cams could have prevented this tragedy D).
Try starting the motor so that the neighbours know you're working on your bike
7. A Japanese-made sport-bike pulls up in the
lane next to you at a stoplight. You: A). Nod diplomatically at your fellow
motorcyclist, in spite of his patriotic failure in his duty to buy American. B).
Grab a handful of throttle and race the engine, hoping to engage him in an
exhaust volume contest C). Curse the fucking rice burner and throw your cigar at
him. D. Keep pushing when the lights change colour
8. The guy down the block has a Sportster 1100
that is faster at the strip than your souped-up Fat Boy. You feel a need to
level the playing field where the power to weight ratio is concerned. You decide
to: A). Install NOS B). Remove the exhaust pipes and run straight headers, since
more decibels equals more power C). Go on a diet D). Inform your 270 pound
passenger she is no longer allowed to accompany you on the bike during runs at
the drag-strip
9. Cruising along at full throttle, you are
casually overtaken and passed by a Scooterist. You: A). Stop at a payphone
and dial 999 to notify the authorities of a reckless driver B). Attempt to pass
the scooter by imitating his hunched over riding style, reducing aerodynamic
drag and gaining another 5 mph top end speed C). Curse the little shite and
choke on your cigar in the process D. Shoot him
10. The preferred method of cleaning a
Harley-Davidson is: A). S-100 motorcycle wash or equivalent B). Simonize C).
Gunk engine degreaser D). Mother nature
***BONUS QUESTION*** 11. You need new tyres for
your Harley. You decide to go with: A). Dunlop Qualifiers B). Mickey Thompson
Super Off-Roaders C). Cheng Shins D). anything chrome-plated
From: Pat
1%er Devils Henchmen MC
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You're A Biker
Wanna' Be, If
- You spit out the
bug that just flew in your mouth.
- You spend more time shining your bike than
riding it.
- You're too cool to wave at the kids in the
mom-mobile in front of you.
- You grab for your hairbrush before your old
lady.
- You take your bike into the shop for oil
changes.
- Your $500 boots aren't scuffed from riding.
- You think that a kick-starter is a mocha
latte.
- You set at least one mirror, if not both, to
reflect yourself.
- Your saddle bags say "Gucci".
- You carry a lap-top in your saddle bags.
- Your tattoos wash off.
- You put your pony-tail back in the drawer
after you get home.
- You won't ride down a gravel road.
- You've never seen a sunrise from two wheels.
- You only ride on weekends, when you can.
- You never ride to work.
- All your leathers match.
- There are no wrinkled, faded, creased, or
scratched areas on your leathers.
- You don't own a rain suit.
- You've never ridden long enough to know that
stock seats are never comfortable.
- You've never had to replace a worn out tire.
- You've had to replace your tires, but because
they were too old and not too worn.
- You like to ride by stores with big picture
windows so you can admire your reflection.
- You ride a Ducati.
- Your longest road trip this year was to
Hooter's for bike night.
DENNY DAWG
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A BIKER WITH MANY
NAMES.
A cop stops
a Harley for travelling faster than the posted
speed limit.
So he asks the biker his name.
"Fred," he replies.
"Fred what?" the officer asks.
"Just Fred," the man responds.
The officer is in a good mood and thinks he
might just give the biker a break and write him
out a warning instead of a ticket.
The officer then presses him for the last
name.
The man tells him that he used to have a last
name but lost it.
The officer thinks that he has a nut case on
his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me,
Fred, how did you lose your last name?"
The biker replies, "It's a long story, so stay
with me."
"I was born Fred
Dingaling. I know -- a funny last name. The kids
used to tease me all the time.
So I stayed
to myself, studied hard and got good grades.
When I got older I
realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went
through college, medical school, internship,
residency, and finally got my degree, so I was
Fred Dingaling, MD."
"After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I
decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my
dream! Got all the way through school, got my
degree, so then I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS."
"Got bored! doing dentistry, so I started
fooling around with my assistant and she gave
me VD. So now I was Fred Dingaling, MD, DDS,
with VD."
Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they
took away my DDS.
Then I was Fred
Dingaling, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out
about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the
VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred
Dingaling with VD. Then the VD took away my Dingaling,
so now I am Just Fred."
The officer walked away in tears, laughing
DENNY DAWG
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Biker sitting in a pub, quietly nursing his
pint, when the door opens and in walks a lady of
easily negotiable affection. She sits at the bar
next to our hero and says in a husky voice, “Hey
big boy, have you ever had a thrill?”
“Yeah,” replies the sledder,
“I was out on my bike and was
rippin’ down some
country lanes; the sun was
shinin’, the little birds
wuz
tweetin’, the bike
was runnin’ sweet
and everythin’ was
cool.”
“No, silly,” I mean have you ever had a
real
thrill?” she asks again.
“Oh yeah,” he answers. “I was cranking it over
into some really tight bends and the
footpegs were
scraping out wiv
sparks flying behind me!”
Bloody hell, she thinks, this bloke is so thick
his brain must be custard. I’ll make it simple
for him.
“What I mean is,” she says, as she runs her hand
up the inside of his thigh and squeezes his
nuts, opens her legs to reveal a complete
absence of panties and hair, “have you ever felt
a cunt?”
“Yeah,” he sez.
“I fell off.”
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Next
Page of Biker Humour
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Motorcycle Riders Ride to Live -
Bikers Live to Ride |
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